Not Quite Him


Chapter 3


Not wanting a perfectly good tub of hot water to go to waste, Rose chose to treat herself to the bubble bath that had been intended for the Doctor. She had been worried at first when she came out of the loo and found him unresponsive. She thought back to his previous regeneration where things went a bit wrong and he became ill. She placed a hand on his forehead to check for a fever, but his temperature appeared to be normal. If it was anything like the last time, waking him might cause serious problems. Hopefully, all he needed was a nice, long nap and then a cup of steaming hot tea for healing the synapses.

As Rose allowed the hot water to warm and soothe her tired limbs, she tried to sort through the myriad of thoughts and images filling her mind. Her Doctor had deserted her. That was the number one issue she had trouble dealing with. Number two was the fact that he had refused to tell her that he loved her even though he supposedly did. Yeah, he loved her all right. Just had a funny way of showing it is all. How many times now had he sent her away, purportedly for her own good? If it had been any other bloke, she would have gotten the message loud and clear. He said that he wouldn't leave her the way he had left Sara Jane Smith all those years ago. But that's exactly what he did, time and time again. Left her to run after Madame de Pompadour, left her to go sightseeing on an impossible planet, tricked her into the TARDIS and shipped her back home from the Game Station, slipped a transport disk around her neck to send her to Pete's World, and now this. It all added up to him not wanting to be with her as badly as she wanted to be with him.

Staring blankly at the mass of tiny, white bubbles covering her skin, Rose thought back to that moment when she transported onto the street where the TARDIS had been parked. She had spotted the Doctor before he saw her. Donna must have told him to turn around. When he did, it seemed to take forever for him to register who the blonde running towards him was. Once his brain finally kicked into gear, it was just like one of those cheesy endings in a romantic chick flick. Only it didn't end the way the scenes in the movies always ended. She never got the chance to leap into his arms and be spun around while they kissed fervently. Instead, he had been shot by a Dalek, and her heart had nearly ceased to beat at the sight. How cruel was the universe to let her get that close to him, then in the blink of an eye, snatch him away. Fortunately, he was a Time Lord with a few more lives to spare. She had been so relieved when he didn't regenerate. She was sure she would have continued to love him no matter what he had ended up looking like, but she had grown so attached to his present face and personality, she just wasn't ready to switch to something new.

Her Doctor had always been known for pulling off the unimaginable, so when the TARDIS reappeared back on the Crucible after having been destroyed, Rose wasn't too surprised at seeing the Time Lord step out of the doors, even though he was also being held prisoner beside her. She merely assumed that he was performing a bit of fancy time travel rescue. But listening to the Doctor/Donna ramble on, it soon became clear as mud that the look-alike Doctor in the blue suit wasn't just a future or past version of the brown-suited Doctor. He had been created by some weird union of the Doctor's old severed hand, some excess regeneration energy and a normal human woman named Donna Noble. So there were suddenly two identical versions of the Doctor and one female version. All weird and impossible, but totally cool. Rose was sure she had been looking at the makings of a very happy ending to the search for her long, lost Doctor saga. After the Daleks had been destroyed and the planets returned to their proper time and place in the universe, all that was left was to enjoy the long-awaited reunion. Instead, Rose had been kicked out of the Doctor's Companion Club with the lame excuse of needing to look after the new, half-human Doctor.

Well, at least she had done what she set out to do, to find a way back to the Doctor. Her parents and Mickey had tried to warn her that even if by some miracle she was reunited with the Doctor again, things might not be as they once were between them. He may have moved on with someone else and might not want her back. She didn't want to listen to them because she had been certain he loved her just as much as she loved him and that once he had her back, he'd never want to let her go again. Apparently, she was wrong. Perhaps it was like the other Doctor said, maybe her real Doctor did love her and just wanted to keep her safe. But that wasn't how it felt. It felt like abandonment. He had walked away without so much as a hug or a "Have a fantastic life," so it was hard to accept the fact that he truly loved her.

Okay, on second thought, maybe he did love her. He just wasn't "in love" with her. Big difference. If he had been in love with her then he would not have let anything stand between the two of them staying together. Perhaps he really did fear being the cause of her demise and that her death might be one too many for him to handle. But on the same note, he had placed her in a similar situation. The half-human Doctor she was left with had no extra lives to cushion his existence. An unforeseen tragic accident or severe illness could easily leave him dead and Rose empty-handed. "It's not fair," she murmured softly. "You should have given us a chance. I know we would have been happy together. All of us."

Maybe she hadn't tried hard enough. Perhaps she should have kissed him while they were still back on the TARDIS and let him know what she wanted. There had been so many people around and so much going on earlier, but maybe if she had just pulled him aside for a moment and snogged him senseless.... She had worked so hard to find a way back to him, to live happily ever after with the man of her dreams, but it seemed as though fate had other ideas in store. Rose fought back the tears threatening to fall. There was no point in crying over what could have been. Best to pick herself up and move on with her life. There was still the other Doctor to consider. He basically was the same man, same face, same voice and mind. Most importantly, he wanted to be with her and wasn't afraid to show his true feelings. She should be happy with her consolation prize.

The suds had all disappeared and the water had turned cool by the time Rose finally left the bathtub. She toweled dry her pruning skin, then wrapped herself in one of the hotel's thick, white, oversized robes, tying the belt securely before stepping out of the bathroom. She had half expected to find the Doctor awake, or possibly even gone, but there he was, still on the bed asleep in the same position he had been earlier. Rose checked him for signs of a fever once more and sighed in relief when the results again were normal. She looked across at the empty bed a few feet away and decided that it was too great a distance to walk. She climbed onto the bed next to the Doctor, resting on her left side, bending her knees and propping herself up on one elbow so that she was just at the right angle to gaze down at his face.

It was the first time since the healing sleep of his Christmas regeneration that she had watched him slumber. She wasn't sure he had ever slept after that day. He was always awake whenever she was. She assumed that he only catnapped and woke at the slightest sound or movement, or maybe he just got a little mental nudge from the TARDIS. She had asked him once if he ever slept, and his response was, "Of course, I sleep. Just don't make a silly habit of it like you humans." Now that he was half human, she wondered if he would develop silly human habits like sleeping, eating and going to the loo on a regular basis.

Perhaps it was merely because he was sleeping, but Rose thought that he looked slightly younger than the real Doctor. Technically speaking, he was indeed younger than the other one, not only because he had just burst into being less than 24 hours ago but also the hand from which he had sprung had only been a few hours old when he lost it. Rose grimaced at the memory of seeing his hand being sliced off, thinking that he would have to get some kind of artificial mechanism to replace it. But he surprised her and everyone else when he magically grew a new hand, his "fightin' hand," he'd called it. That was the moment she had fallen for the brown-suited Time Lord. Even before the brown suit went on, she had accepted him as her real Doctor. Now she was expected to do it all over again, accept a copy for the original one.

Her fingers gently began to stroke the fine hairs on his bare forearm. It was something she'd never had the opportunity to do because he had rarely worn short sleeves around her. She'd catch a glimpse of flesh sometimes just as he was putting on his dress shirt or jacket. It seemed to be a part of how he kept himself closed off. He'd only reveal so much of his body as well as his personal life, like when he mentioned he was a father once, then said nothing more on the subject. This new version was more open, willing to discuss his feelings and allow his vulnerability to show through instead of pretending that everything was just fine when it wasn't. Rose reached down and placed her fingers into his open, relaxed palm. His hand felt warmer now, having naturally acclimated to their surroundings. When his fingers started to curve around hers, she assumed it was purely out of reflex until she heard him murmur her name in his sleep. His peaceful expression became a tense scowl. When he called out her name a again, Rose squeezed his hand tightly.

"It's okay, Doctor, I'm here," she spoke softly at first, but seeing that his anxiety seemed to be growing, she shook him and called out louder to wake him. "Doctor!"

His eyes popped opened and he looked about in confusion. "What...? What?"

"Sorry, didn't want to wake you, but it looked like you were having a bad dream."

He stood up quickly and began a short pace around the room. "Right," he breathed out heavily. "Of course, just a dream. That's all it was."

"You seem really upset. What was it about?"

"Oh, nothing much." He stopped pacing in front of the dresser mirror, taking the time to study his reflection.

"Doctor?"

He spun around at the sound of his name and put on his casual, there's nothing wrong at all face. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No, I wasn't sleeping. Still kind of early."

"What time is it?"

Rose was shocked by the question. "Did you just ask what time it is? You never ask the time. You always know the time."

"Of course, I know. I'm just... a little disoriented at the moment. How long was I asleep?"

"Been about an hour."

"Really? Is that all? Feels much longer."

"Sleep is like that," said Rose, changing her position on the bed so that her back was against the headboard cushioned by a pillow, and her arms crossed over bent knees. "Sometimes I can sleep for a few minutes and it feels like hours, but when I wake up after a few hours, it feels like I just closed my eyes. So, what was your dream about?"

The Donna part of his brain kicked in, encouraging him to confide in his best friend. He sat at an angle on the edge of the bed, facing her. "I was dreaming that I regenerated and became this very small, shriveled up, ancient, old man. And you... you couldn't handle the change, so you left me."

"But I would never leave you. Don't care what you look like."

"You seemed pretty concerned that I was going to change into someone else back on the TARDIS."

"Well, yeah, I was concerned. I mean, this face..." she reached out and caressed his cheek for just a second. "This is what I've been dreaming about all along. Wasn't ready to trade you in for a completely new model. But even if you had changed, I would have still stayed with you. I meant it when I told you I'd stay with you forever. You're the one who was always leaving me behind or sending me away." The Doctor opened his mouth, ready to explain, but she waved away his attempt to comment and said, "I get why you did it. Why he did it; trying to protect me and all. But it still hurts. When I first came here, I still had hope that you would find a way to get back to me. And then you did but it was only for two minutes to say good-bye forever. If two minutes was the very best you could do, then it was truly hopeless. I'd never see you again. And I was so miserable after that. I used to wish I could just erase my memories so I wouldn't keep thinking about you all the time."

"You wanted to forget me?"

"I thought it would make my life easier here. I was going to see about finding a hypnotist."

"But you didn't."

"No. Because I met this woman, Mrs. Lindsey. She was an older lady who rang our doorbell one day because she was lost. She suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and couldn't remember where she lived. Turned out she was from right around the corner and she used to be an international news reporter. She had led this really fabulous life, traveling all over the world, covering special events and interviewing famous and important people. She even found time for marriage, kids and grandkids. She truly led a wonderful life. But then she became ill and couldn't remember any of it. She has a husband she's known for over forty years, and most days she doesn't even recognize him. It's so sad. And it made me think. I realized that the time I spent traveling with you, was special. All the places that you took me and all the aliens we've met...it really was the most fantastic life you showed me. And instead of wishing I could forget, I should be thankful that you came back that night and mentioned that your ship traveled in time."

"Yeah, you should," the Doctor agreed. "I usually don't make a special trip back just to ask someone a second time if they want to travel with me."

"So why did you do it for me?"

"Because, apparently, I already had."

"How's that?" Rose scrunched up her face in confusion.

"When I left Earth after you turned me down that first time, I soon discovered a recording I had made for myself at some point in time telling me that I should go back for you. I didn't bother to give myself any details, but I was quite adamant that I give you a second go. So I did."

"And I said, 'yes'."

"And you said, 'yes'."

"And even when it was terrifying or dangerous or sad... it was still the most wonderful time of my life."

"Mine too," the Doctor smiled.

"And I just wish...." Rose shook her head dejectedly. "Oh, I don't know what I wish. It's just that...he's gone and it hurts."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault."

"I know, but I still feel...." He felt responsible because he had known of the intentions of the other Doctor to leave her behind. He knew her heart would be broken once again, and he did nothing to warn her or prevent it from happening. Instead of telling her that, he chose a different route. He took hold of her right hand and smiled thoughtfully. "You, Rose Tyler, have such an effect on me. You cause me to think with my heart instead of my brain, and the consequences of that...." Again, he lost the ability to verbalize his emotions.

"You really do love me, don't you?" Rose concluded.

The whole room seemed to brighten with the beaming smile that lit up his face. "Oh, yes!" he replied enthusiastically. "Yes, I really, really do love you. Yes!"

Rose couldn't help but smile at his unbridled honesty. Their eyes locked and held for a moment, and what started out like an invitation to kiss, instead segued into an awkward moment of neither of them knowing what to do next. Rose looked away first, pulling her hand from his grasp and letting it slide back into its earlier position while her gaze shifted to stare at the fabric of her robe. The Doctor continued to watch her, realizing that although he had professed his undying love for her, she had fail to reciprocate.

"You don't feel the same way about me, do you?" he asked, unable to hide his disappointment.

"I didn't say that," Rose uttered softly, keeping her eyes averted.

"No, you didn't. Still...."

"It's just that... I waited so long to be with him again. And yeah, I get it, you're him, and I suppose I should be okay with that, but...."

"No, no. I...I understand. Yes, I'm the Doctor, but I'm just not your Doctor. Suppose it's kind of like when I used to be the Doctor with the big ears and prominent nose and I regenerated into the skinny Doctor with the wild hair. You didn't like me very much to start. You wanted your old Doctor back. And even after you accepted the fact that I was still him, I could see it in your eyes from time to time that you were still missing the fellow with the funny ears. And now, this time, things are a bit different. Even though the face and body look the same, you and I both know I'm not the same man. So it's okay for you to feel... well, whatever it is you're feeling. Seems like everyone has been making decisions affecting your life without bothering to consult with you first. The Doctor assumed you would be better off in this world with me, your mother assumed you'd want to share a room with me, and I.... well, I assume...." He assumed that she would accept and love him as is, because the alternative was too painful to consider. "Well, no point in assuming," he spoke the thought aloud. "I'll just ask." He took a deep breath in preparation before asking the question.

"Rose Tyler, what is it that you want?" He watched and waited as Rose merely shook her head, reluctant to answer the question in words. The Doctor gave her a gentle nudge of insistence. "Tell me what you want, Rose. Please."

Tears began to fill her eyes and stream down her cheeks as she struggled to get the words out. "I...want... I want my Doctor," she cried. "I want the TARDIS, and I want things to be the way they use to be. Me and the Doctor traveling in the TARDIS. I just want my old life back!" The tears flowed freely as Rose grabbed a pillow, hugged it to her chest and pressed her face into it.

"Right." No surprise there. And there didn't seem any point in continuing the conversation. The Doctor thought of pulling her into his arms to comfort her, but the pillow she was hugging was probably meant to keep him at a distance. Nothing he did or said would be helpful at the moment and he thought his mere presence was adding to her grief. Leaving seemed a good option. He stood up and went to grab his jacket off the chair where he had tossed it earlier. “Look, why don’t I just give you some time to yourself.”

In response to his suggestion, Rose merely changed her position on the bed from sitting up to lying on her side facing away from him, still clutching the pillow tightly. As quickly as he could, the Doctor silently prepared to leave by slipping back into his jacket and shoes. There was a noticeable click when he turned the handle to open the door. He paused and glanced back over his shoulder at Rose. He opened his mouth to say either, "Good-bye, Rose," or "I'll be back later." Since he really didn't know which it should be, he snapped his mouth shut and simply left the room without a word.

Top

Copyright © 2019 · All Rights Reserved · Fran Glass