Not Quite Him

Chapter 5

It was a long night for Rose. After the Doctor left the room, she tossed and turned for more than an hour and eventually cried herself to sleep. As she slept, she had one dream after another, all centered around the Doctor, both the old one and the new. A jumble of images flashed through her mind and had her running for her life, marveling over astounding sights, meeting all forms of alien beings, menacing robots, handsome blokes and terrifying entities. But the last dream left her wide awake and thoroughly shaken. It was a simple vision of both Doctors leaving her standing alone on the beach as they walked away from her and into the TARDIS.

Before closing the door, the blue-suited Doctor hesitated at the entrance. "If you want, I can stay here with you," he offered.

Rose shook her head and replied, "You're not the right one."

"No, I'm not quite him," he uttered sadly, then retreated quickly into the spaceship, shutting the door securely.

Rose finally gained control of her muscles and launched herself at the TARDIS, banging uselessly on the door, begging to be let inside as the engines started up and the blue box faded away. She fell to her knees in the sand, sobbing uncontrollably and screaming for them to come back.

Rose awoke fully and sat up in bed, wiping away the real tears streaming down her face. "Doctor?" she called out but got no response. There was a knot of fear in her stomach as she wondered if he had left her as well, never to return. She leapt off the bed and scrambled to get dressed. She thought about calling her mother's room to see if the Doctor was with her, but it was doubtful that he'd go there. More than likely, he was roaming around the hotel seeking out hidden, alien conspiracies. As Rose stepped out of her room, she half expected to find the alien hybrid in the blue suit loitering outside in the hallway, but was met with only a barren corridor. She walked down to the end of the hallway and pressed the button for the lift. She was prepared to wait a bit but the door dinged and opened almost immediately.

Inside, the Doctor sat on the floor of the lift, leaning against the right wall with legs crossed and arms folded across his chest. Surprise registered on his face when he looked up to see Rose stepping into his temporary home. "Oh, hello. Going down?" he asked.

"I was just.... looking for you, actually."

"And you did an excellent job of it."

The doors closed and Rose glanced at the two rows of four buttons. "What floor should I push for?" she asked.

"What floor would you like to visit?"

"No, I meant, which floor were you headed for?"

"I wasn't."

"What? You mean you were just hanging out here in the lift?"

"You'd think it'd be much bigger on the inside. However, the mirror finish does provide a slight illusion of greater depth. The ride's not all that bad either, much smoother than other similarly shaped boxes, but sadly only one-dimensional and bi-directional."

"Are you comparing riding in a lift to riding in the TARDIS?"

"Of course not. That's silly. I was comparing it to riding in the mini-sized, multi-directional transport pods found on certain intergalactic public transportation space stations."

"Oh." Rose leaned against the opposite wall with hands clasped behind her back. "So, is this where you’ve been since leaving the room?"

"No, only been here a few minutes. I've been roaming around the hotel a bit. Spent some time chatting with Fredric the doorman. He caught me up on local news and weather. Told me about the best places for fishing around here. I may take up fishing. He made it sound like great fun. Anyway, after him, I bumped into a lovely young newlywed couple, Sven and Helga Norden. Childhood sweethearts they were. They invited me to join their wedding reception going on in the restaurant. Sven and his family own a dairy farm just down the road a bit. This hotel buys all their dairy products from them. So don't let me forget, there's a case containing a lovely variety of cheeses they're holding for us in the kitchen. Oh, then I met this older couple from Lubbock, Texas: Billy Bob and Wynona Gibbs. They're here celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. You see, some of Wynona's ancestors were originally from Norway, and she's always wanted to visit the birthplace of her great-grandmother. So Billy Bob and the six kids surprised her with this trip. By the way, they own the best little steak house in all of Texas, so if we're ever in the area, we should stop by for the tastiest and tenderest slab of beef we'll ever sink our teeth into. On the house, of course, free of charge.

The Doctor finally stopped to take a breath, offering up a bright smile to go with his news of free cheese and steaks. Rose's lips turned upwards as well. She shook her head slightly in amazement that he had made so many new friends in such a brief amount of time.

"You make friends so easily."

"Not friends, really. Just passing acquaintances. Might not see any of them ever again. So... what about you? Sleep well?"

"Tossed and turned mostly. Did a lot of dreaming. I dreamt that you both left me. But before leaving, you offered to stay with me if I wanted you to. That wasn't quite enough for me, so you went off in the TARDIS with him. And I was alone.... When I woke up and saw you still hadn't come back to the room, I thought maybe...."

"I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't leave without saying good-bye."

"You wouldn't leave without saying good-bye," Rose zoned in on the obvious implications of that statement. "But you would leave?"

"Not planning on it, but if you don't want me around, yes, I would leave."

"Why wouldn't I want you around?"

The Doctor hesitated for a moment before answering the question, then suddenly blurted out, "I don't want to become Mickey."

"What? What do you mean you...." Rose's voice trailed off as she took a moment to sort through his words. "You don't want to become Mickey," she spoke softly with realization setting in.

"He loved you so much. He always did everything you asked of him, including helping you to get back into the arms of his rival. I couldn't do that. I can't be him."

"I didn't ask you to."

"I know, I know... I'm just...." Afraid of saying too much, the Doctor clamped his mouth shut and looked away.

Rose studied him for a moment, then slid down to a sitting position. "There's this other dream I had," she began softly. "It's one that I have a lot. I dreamt that you used the TARDIS to go back in time to when the fissure between the parallel worlds was wide open and stable. Then you came forward in time to find me. Only it was always after I'd been here for a good number of years and I was much older. You couldn't quite get the timing right. That dream always made me wonder... could you have done it back when I first got trapped here? Instead of just showing up to say good-bye, could you have gone back in time and come across for me?"

"Too dangerous. You forget that when we came here the first time, we crash landed. The TARDIS was severely damaged and it was only by sheer luck and a few years of my life-force that I was able to get her going again."

"So why didn't we crash this time?"

"More pilots with better control and a carefully chartered course. But the real reason for not even attempting it was because... losing you the first time around was hard enough. I didn't want to have to go through it again. I only came to say good-bye so you wouldn't spend the rest of your life pining away and waiting for me to return. So, by the same token, the other Doctor won't ever be coming back for you, Rose. Trust me on this."

Rose remained silent, taking it all in. There was only one more question she had on her mind concerning the Doctor who had abandoned her.

"What's going to happen to him? If he loves me as much as you say--"

"He does."

"Then how is he going to get on? Is he going to miss me forever, or is he going to forget me? Is he ever going to be truly happy?"

It was a hard question to answer but he decided he'd try his best. "Come here." He held out his hand to gently guide her over to sit close beside him. He wrapped his arms about her, letting her head rest upon his chest and their hands intertwine. "Yes, he is going to miss you," he began, his voice just above a whisper. "No, he'll never forget you. You'll be on his list of top ten people he will never, ever forget. He'll dream about you now and then and certain things will remind him of the times you've shared together. When he thinks of you, he might want to shed a tear or crack a smile. He'll wonder if he made the right decision in leaving you here and more importantly if you'll ever forgive him for doing so. He'll convince himself that you'll be fine, that you'll be happy with me, and that you'll end up having a fantastic life after all.

"For him, time will pass and the pain of loss will lessen. There will always be other companions, even though he may occasionally think it's not worth the pain or effort. They'll be inexplicably drawn to him or he will be drawn to them. Some won't hold a candle to you while others will surprise him with their brilliance. It may take months, years, or no time at all before he finds reason to laugh and smile again. Eventually, there will be someone whose hand will fit perfectly into his and make him feel the way that you made him feel. There will be beautiful planets to explore, wild adventures to be had and remarkable history to be witnessed. It will never be exactly the same as it once was, but there will be life after Rose Tyler."

Rose let out a soft sigh. "It would be kind of big-headed of me to think otherwise," she said. "He...you got on pretty well without me before, didn't you?"

"I coped. Kept busy."

"With Martha Jones?"

"Martha was amazing!" said the Doctor, unable to keep the admiration he felt for the woman out of his voice. "Very much like you, she saved my life the first day we met. And several times after that. I nearly got her killed on a number of occasions, but luck was with us just when we needed it most." His voice turned somber as he recalled more about his relationship with Martha. "I'm afraid I was rather cruel to Martha though. She fancied me from the very beginning and I knew it. I never intentionally tried to lead her on but you know me, I can't help but give big hugs and hold hands. She read more into it than I meant. I also hurt her because I couldn't let go of your memory and your name came up quite often. If Rose were here, she would do this, or Rose would say that.... I'm surprised the poor girl put up with me for as long as she did. Finally had the good sense to walk away and live her own life.... Still, we had a few good adventures together. Took her to meet William Shakespeare. She really loved that."

"I can imagine. I really loved meeting Charles Dickens. Well, except for the Gelth and what happened to Gwyneth."

"With Shakespeare we had witches to deal with. Or rather an alien race known as Carrionites who practiced a sort of witchcraft and was using Shakespeare's gift with words to open a portal to let the rest of their clan in and take over the Earth. Interesting how many alien cultures want to concur Earth for their own personal gain. Very few seem content to just come visit, tour the sights and take home souvenir T-shirts. Oh well... does get better a few thousand years down the line. Have you seen much alien action on this Earth?"

"No alien invasions to speak of. There have been UFO sightings and reports of secret spaceship crashes in the U.S."

"This planet isn't making itself known like back home. No trips to the moon or space probes sending out virtual neon signs saying, 'We are here. We are defenseless. Come enslave us and steal our abundant natural resources.' Safer that way."

"Is that why he thinks I'll be safer here?"

"One of the reasons. Also, it's like your mother says, he does go looking for trouble. Sometimes trouble just finds him, but more often, he tracks it down."

"Guess I was becoming addicted to finding trouble, too. But, I didn't really think of it that way. For the most part, I thought it was fun."

"Yes!” the Doctor agreed enthusiastically. “Yes, it was. Dangerous, exhilarating and a total blast! I loved it! Well, except for when people I cared about got hurt, which, unfortunately occurred far too often."

"Suppose you're going to miss traveling in the TARDIS?"

"Yes," the Doctor sighed heavily. "It's more than just the traveling though. It's that psychic bond she and I shared along with the connection to my home planet. She was all that I had left."

"And you gave her up just to be with me?"

"To be honest, I was given about as much choice of leaving the TARDIS as you were."

"Really? I thought you stayed just because you wanted to be with me."

"I do want to be with you. But I wanted us both to stay on the TARDIS. The Oncoming Storm had other plans."

Rose lifted her head from his chest so she could look into his eyes. She saw the truth of his words and the depth of his emotions.

"He can be very cruel at times. That's the one thing that's always bothered me about him."

"Sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind. Tough love, I believe they call it."

"Do you hate him for making you stay behind?"

"Oh, hate's a very harsh word, isn't it? Hate, hate.... Mmm, well, seeing as I've got to give it so much thought, I suppose I don't hate him for what he's done, only because I understand the reasoning behind his actions. On the other hand... I am hugely disappointed because... there were three of us, Rose. Three Time Lords. Doesn't matter that we were all basically the same Time Lord. What matters is that for the first time in ages, I could sense the presence of others of my kind. I wasn't alone up here anymore," he gave a gentle tap to his temple. "And even the TARDIS was happy. I could hear her singing with such joy. It was wonderful! But it was far too brief, and now... it's all gone quiet again."

The Doctor fell silent as well, his thoughts temporarily lost in the emptiness he felt. It took a moment to notice the hand squeezing his in sympathy, and a soft voice uttering, "I'm sorry," in his ear. He nodded in absent acknowledgement of her words, then suddenly jerked back and leapt to his feet, pulling Rose up with him.

"Ooh! We have to go. Don't want to miss it," he said as he pressed the button on the panel for the lobby.

"Miss what? Where are we going?"

"Not far."

When the doors to the lift slid open, the Doctor held tight to Rose's hand and began running through the deserted lobby, past the lounge and up to the automatic glass doors leading to the terrace.

"What are you up to?" asked Rose smiling in anticipation as the doors opened wide.

"You'll see."

They strolled past an assortment of potted plants and lounge chairs to the edge of the terrace. With his hands on her upper arms, the Doctor had Rose face him for a moment, then he suddenly turned her in the direction of the beach, keeping his right arm draped around her shoulders. Rose glared out at the deserted beach shrouded in darkness, then glanced back at the Doctor in confusion.

"What?"

With one finger, he guided her chin to face the beach again. "Keep watching."

Twenty more seconds passed and just as Rose was beginning to lose patience, she saw the sun breaking over the horizon, beaming bright rays of light in its ascent. The dark blue sky began to lighten and the thick, puffy clouds hanging over the ocean turned several shades of pink and gold.

"It's lovely," said Rose with a warm smile curving her lips. "You've got your time sense back."

"Of course. I was only temporarily disoriented when I woke up. Had plenty of time to reset myself."

"Lovely though it is, what's the big deal? It's not like I haven't seen a sunrise before."

"Yeah, but you've never seen one with me."

Rose looked at him, ready to correct him on that until she realized it was the truth. This was a brand new Doctor with a brand new body who had yet to experience all that the world had to offer.

"New, new you," said Rose, remembering back to the time he had regenerated from the big-eared Doctor and how she had begun to accept his new appearance.

A large smile stretched across the Doctor's face. He tilted his head to better make eye contact, wiggled the fingers of his left hand at her and beamed a cheerful, "Hello."

Rose timidly returned the very familiar greeting. "Hello."

"Did you miss me?"

Rose nodded with a shy smile. "A bit."

"Only a bit? Awww... Well, I've missed you great big, heaping gobs!" The Doctor turned his back to the sunrise to lean against the terrace railing, positioning himself directly in front of Rose. He took hold of her hands as he continued his lighthearted banter. "I have this big Rose Tyler section of my brain where I store all the remembered smiles and inquisitive questions and acts of kindness I've witnessed you bestow upon the remarkably fortunate. My adorable, brave, brilliant, beautiful Rose. Ooh, except for the word adorable I was on a nice 'B' roll there. Blonde! Yes, how could I possibly forget blonde? My blonde, brave, brilliant, beautiful Rose."

"You're a goofball," Rose grinned.

"Oh good, you remembered!"

The smile on Rose's face suddenly dimmed considerably. "I know what you're doing. You're trying hard to prove to me that you're still him."

"No. I'm trying hard to prove that I'm still your Doctor. I'm not him, but I am your Doctor, Rose. The same one you promised forever to. And the only real difference between the other Doctor and me is that my forever matches yours now. Well, that and the fact I don't have a remarkable spaceship that's bigger on the inside and travels in time. However, I do have...." He let go of her hands so he could reach inside his jacket and pull out his sonic screwdriver. He held it up proudly and happily announced, "this!"

"Oooh, this Earth had better look out now," Rose faked being worried but couldn't help but grin a bit.

"Right you are. I'm a half-human Time Lord with a giant brain, a matching ego, a wild imagination and a strong desire to beat gravity at its own game. All I need is a partner in crime. So whadda ya say? You and me, huh? Just like old times. No, not quite like old times. No time travel, and no space travel. At least not to start out. But I have ideas to remedy that. May take a while. But in the meantime, there's probably plenty of interesting places to visit on this planet, good times to be had, and interesting people to meet. I've already met a few them, in fact. And at least we know there'll be some tasty steaks awaiting us in Lubbock, Texas. So, yes, is it? Please say yes. Don't make me beg. Oops, too late. Sorry, don't want to seem too desperate or needy or --"

"Stop!" Rose held up a hand to put a halt to his babbling. "Just... stop."

Startled, the Doctor instantly ceased his rambling sales pitch. He had expected a willing response from the woman in front of him, but was disappointed by the sudden, negative outburst accompanied by a somewhat indecipherable expression on her face. As he put away the sonic screwdriver, he allowed his gaze to shift down towards his feet. He was rubbish at this, trying to talk people into being with him when it was obvious they'd rather be elsewhere. Either he was trying too hard to impress, or nothing he said or did was bound to make a difference. Rose didn't want him. And as he contemplated between becoming a Mickey replacement or leaving for parts unknown, a tender, feather soft touch caused his chin to lift upwards. He found himself looking into a pair of warm, sparkling brown eyes.

"You twit," she said with and affectionate smile.

The Doctor shook his head in confusion. "What?"

"You had me at, 'Hello.'"

A few seconds passed before his brain deciphered the meaning to her words, then another few seconds elapsed before he remembered to breathe. "I... you... Hello?"

Rose nodded, a wide, bright smile illuminating her face. She stepped in closer to the Doctor and took hold of his hands to wrap them around her waist, then placing her hands on either side of his head, she drew him in for a kiss. It was nearly identical to the one she'd given him on the beach after he'd whispered those words she had longed to hear. This kiss lasted longer than the previous one because there was nothing to draw her attention away from him. They both took their time, savoring the warmth and tenderness of the moment, then pulled away only when the need to catch a breath became more than just a suggestion.

"So I'm guessing this means that you... that you...."

"I love you, yeah," Rose told him what she knew he wanted to hear.

"And you're not saying that just to make me feel better, are you?"

Rose shook her head and gave his lips a quick peck. "I love you... my Doctor."

He squeezed his eyes shut trying to stifle the onset of tears but was only partially successful. He pulled Rose into a tighter embrace, practically crushing her to his body. Even though it was making it slightly difficult for her to breathe, she didn't complain. She merely wrapped her arms around his back, holding on as tightly as he was and rocking him gently in an attempt to provide much needed comfort and reassurance.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," he chanted almost too softly for her hear. They were the only words he could manage to formulate, having been overwhelmed by sheer happiness. The other timelines he had been dreading, instantly disappeared from his mind. His life had only one direction to take and that was hand-in-hand with his blonde, brave, brilliant, beautiful Rose. After a few moments, he was finally able to get a hold of his emotions. He kissed Rose on the temple as he loosened his iron grip on her and went back to just holding her hands.

"Sorry, didn't break anything, did I?" he asked, looking her over for signs of distress.

"No. I'm fine," Rose responded reassuringly.

"Good. That's good." The Doctor's expression brightened as a new thought gave birth. "So, I guess this is the official beginning of our courtship."

Rose looked up at him, grimacing and grinning at the same time. "Courtship?"

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, it's just that courtship, that sounds so... so ancient."

"Well, you do recall that I'm over 900 years old? Slight age gap you and I. But you're right. Let's see... we're uh... boyfriend and girlfriend?" This time the Doctor grimaced. "Oh, but that sounds so junior high school. The Doctor and Rose, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Ooh! Sweethearts! We can be sweethearts. No! We can't use sweethearts. That's your mum's pet word. What about lovers? No, no... lovers makes it sound as though we're sneaking around behind someone's back. So Romeo and Juliet, tragic, star-crossed lovers. Wait.... Yes! A couple! We're a couple. Nice and simple. Did I mention that people always assumed that Donna and I were a couple? Never could understand that. And we always had to explain--"

Again Rose had to take matters into her own hands and decided to cut her new beau's rambling short with another kiss. Luckily, he didn't argue. In fact, he thought that kissing Rose Tyler made far better use of his mouth than talking. And while his lips were occupied, his brain began multi-tasking. He thought of all the distant stars and planets he had visited, the past and future events he had witnessed and the extraordinary alien beings he had encountered. He flashed through the faces of all the companions he had traveled with, lingering on the ones he'd gotten killed or left somehow damaged. Then he reflected upon the countless deaths he had caused and the untold lives he had saved. He wondered if his good deeds had outweighed the bad, and if indeed he was worthy of a golden-haired reward. Finally, he thought about the Time Lord in the brown suit, Rose’s true Doctor who sacrificed his own happiness to give them a new life together. He silently vowed to make sure that his predecessor's sacrifices would not have been made in vain. The Doctor and Rose Tyler began as an adventure, became the stuff of legends and will end as an ordinary couple spending the rest of their lives being fantastic together.

The End