Not Quite Him

Chapter 4

"You can't seriously be thinking what I know you're thinking."

"I have to do it."

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do. You've seen the current timelines. You know what's very likely to happen."

"But sending Rose back home... that's not the answer."

"She'll be with her family."

"We're her family."

"No. We're her traveling companions. She has a mother, father and little brother who belongs to another world, and she belongs with them."

"If she had wanted to stay on Pete's World... well, she would have stayed on Pete's world. She never would have tried like crazy to find a way back to us... to you. From the very beginning, she's risked everything just to be with you. And now that she's finally back on the TARDIS, you want to send her away?"

"I want to keep her alive."

"We can do that. Both of us together. We can protect her."

"I used to think that. I used to believe that I could keep Rose safe. But how many times have I placed her in the direct line of danger and nearly gotten her killed? How many times has she risked her life to save mine? I was selfish in wanting to keep her with me. Selfish to keep any of them with me. I've caused them all so much damage.... Mary Jane, Mickey, Jack, Martha... Donna. They've all suffered because of me and they would have all been better off if they'd never met me."

"I didn't hear any of them complaining."

"No, they wouldn't. They're good people. I owe them all so much more than my weak apologies."

"And you owe Rose more than just a one-way trip back to Pete's World."

"It's for the best. She deserves more than I can ever give her."

"You give her all of time and space. You educate her, give her reasons to be amazed and delighted. What more could she want?"

"I also give her reasons to be terrified, appalled, and to run for her life. I think of it as a game. But it's a game where losers don't survive."

"Rose thrives on that kind of stuff. She's fearless."

"Yes, she is. That's one of the traits that attracted me to her in the first place. She has this great spirit and compassion for others.... She's a sweet, perfect little human being, and I'm lucky to have spent time with her. But now the Rose era of my life has come and gone. Time to move on."

"You're willing to toss her aside just like that?"

"I'm not tossing her aside. Look, I shouldn't even have to explain myself to you. You should already get what it is I'm trying to do here."

"Oh, I get it, all right. I understand perfectly what you're on about. I just don't happen to agree. Rose is smart. You shouldn't keep trying to make decisions for her. Why not let her decide for herself?"

"Because we both know what her choice will be. I have so much blood on my hands already and I don't want to add Rose’s name to the list. I used to fear having to watch her grow old, wither and die. But I know she'll never survive that long. She stays with me and before you know it, I've gotten myself in some sort of stupid life or death situation, and then Rose will do what Rose does best. She'll put herself in peril, do whatever it is she has to do in order to rescue me. And now, with you around, that means there will be twice the opportunity for things to go badly and twice the need for her to step in and put her life on the line trying to keep the two of us alive and well. Let me know if you still disagree."

"All right, I'll give you that. But realize, Rose is madly in love, both with you and the whole traveling in time thing. Whatever amount of time she has left, be it a few days or weeks or months, you know that she'd rather spend it with you on the TARDIS than anywhere else in the universe."

"Yes, I do know that. But I want her to live more than a few days or weeks or months. In the immortal words of the highly logical Mr. Spock, I want her to, 'Live long and prosper.' I want her to look back on her life some fifty or sixty years from now surrounded by her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, telling them about all the wonderful things she's done. And maybe she'll just happen to remember that brief span of time when she traveled with a loudmouth alien who called himself the Doctor. Is it so wrong for me to want that for her?"

"No, it isn't. And truth be told, I'd like that for her as well. But, I'm fairly certain that if you leave Rose behind on that beach again, it'll destroy her."

"Not if you're there to look after her."

"Me? You want... Right. Of course, that would make it easy for you, wouldn't it? You abandon Rose and get rid of me at the same time. Do I frighten you that much?"

"One of me let loose in the universe is bad enough."

"Are you still on about what I did to the Daleks? It needed to be done. Their total destruction was the only sensible course of action left, otherwise everything would be gone."

"That should have been my call to make, not yours."

"So you're going to punish me for robbing you of your chance to be the hero?"

"I'm not punishing you. If anything, I'm rewarding you. You get to live the rest of your life with Rose. Of course, the downside of that is that you get landlocked with Jackie as well. Still, I don't think that's really a bad thing."

"Easy for you to say."

"I suppose I am taking certain things for granted. I assume that you still love Rose Tyler and want to be with her. But you have some remnants of Donna's mind floating around in your brain now. Maybe you don't even feel the same way for Rose anymore. So I guess I should ask. Are you still in love with her or not?"

"If I said I’m not, would you let me stay on the TARDIS?"

"Try it."

"No."

"No, what?"

"No, I’m not... I don’t.... I... Okay, my feelings for Rose haven't changed. Yes, I love her, and I don't want her to leave. I don't want to leave either."

"I know you don't. And I'm sorry, but you can’t stay. My mind’s made up.”

“So I imagine that groveling would be useless then?"

“Pretty much. I would appreciate it if you didn’t make this any harder than it already is.”

"Of course. By all means, let's make it easy for you."

"You know how I feel about Rose. I can't even remember the last time I've loved someone as dearly... she's...."

"I'm sorry.... I know what it is you're going through. But you realize there's no guarantee that she'll accept me. She's not going to just instantly forget about you and happily settle for what's become of your severed right hand."

"You're me. For all intents and purposes, you're the Doctor. You have to believe it yourself and you have to make sure Rose believes it. You may not be able to give her the stars, but you'll be able to give her so much more than I ever could. Let her know that. Play your cards right and you two can live a long and satisfying life together."

"Can't imagine it's going to be that easy."

"Maybe not. All I know is that I've got the truly hard part. I'm the one who has to let her go. All you have to do is make her happy."

"Quite right. That shouldn't be hard at all.... And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"What's going to happen after you've taken care of Donna? You'll be alone again, all on your own."

"Yeah... well-l-l... won't be the first time. Probably won't be the last. I'll be fine."

"Liar."

"Okay, so maybe I won't be fine right away, but... I'll manage. Always have.... And so will you."

That was how the conversation had gone between the two Doctors. It had been a silent communication done in a scant 2.3 seconds of mental contact. Their passengers standing nearby around the console, had no idea what had just transpired. Donna could have been brought in on the conversation but they had chosen to block her mind out. If she had been allowed her input, things would have most likely ended differently. She would no doubt have been in Rose's corner and would have fought passionately to keep the blonde on board. Not only because she knew how much the Doctor loved her but because it would have been great to have another female aboard, someone she could pal around with. Perhaps if Donna's fate had not already been written, the decision to send Rose back home would not have come up. It would have been a nice little family, the two Doctors, the Doctor/Donna and Rose. With the three of them looking after Rose, traveling through time and space would have not only been grand but much safer as well.

Poor Donna. He really would miss her. Even if there were a version of her on this planet, he didn't know if he'd have the heart to approach her. The Time Lord had waited until after their arrival to Pete's World to telepathically let Donna in on his decision to leave Rose behind. Before she could utter aloud a single word of disapproval, her mind was assaulted with an almost thunderous, "Don't!" It was enough to make both of the half-human Time Lords flinch. One look into the Doctor's stormy, dark eyes and it was easy to see that he would abide no argument. Donna exchanged looks with her direct counterpart and got the strong impression that if she caused trouble, she might just find herself left behind on the beach as well. So Donna played it smart and did what she could to help sell Rose on the idea of staying behind and growing old with the new, half-human Doctor. She was truly brilliant, Donna was, way before she had become the means to his existence. It was a shame she was going to lose that brilliance along with all her memories of travel with the Doctor. Knowing her, she would probably rather die than lose all trace of what she had gained during the past year. And knowing the mind of the alien who wore the brown suit, he knew that Donna didn’t stand a chance of getting her way.

"You were brilliant, Donna Noble. You really were. I’m going to miss you, Earth Girl."

Images of what were and what could have been continued to fill the Doctor’s head as he stood alone on the terrace of the hotel overlooking the Atlantic ocean. At least, he assumed they called it the Atlantic. He'd have to familiarize himself with his new home world. The night sky above looked pretty much the same. He'd need a high-powered telescope to get a better view. Alas, that was probably the only way he'd ever get a close look at the stars again. Despite the amount of technology this world possessed, especially in the communication field, sadly they had no desire for high-speed travel. He noted the distant lights of a couple of slow moving Zeppelins, one flying over the sea, while a second one headed towards a mountain ridge to his right. "You'd think somewhere on this planet someone's working on the plans for a rocket to the moon, or at least a twin engine airplane," he mumbled to himself. "Suppose I could do it." Perhaps he could get a job with Torchwood. "Blimey, a job," he cringed at the thought. Still, he would need money to survive and working at Torchwood would get him the bonus perk of being surrounded by useful technology.

He was probably getting a wee bit ahead of himself. Getting a job at Torchwood depended upon how things worked out with Rose. He had known from the moment he stepped out of the TARDIS and onto the beach that his life was about to drastically change. He instantly saw his new timeline divert into three distinct, possible destinations. The one that was more rewarding and which he was ardently rooting for, had him and Rose living a fairly domestic life filled with work, mortgages, dirty diapers, recitals and graduations. But that existence was balanced nicely with world travel, exploration and some highly intriguing scientific discoveries.

The second timeline was not quite so favorable. It was one in which Rose would not give up on getting back to the original Doctor. She would remain good friends with her replica Doctor, never allowing their relationship to blossom because she still felt certain that someday she would be reunited with her true love again. "Mickey," he whispered the name softly to himself. He would end up becoming Mickey. And like Mickey, he would remain by her side like a faithful puppy, just hoping for the day she gives up her quest for the unattainable and settle for what's right in front of her. It was doubtful that either of them would ever find real happiness.

"I'm so sorry, Mickey," he finally apologized to the young man who he had treated so badly. Mickey was a good man with a kind heart and he had deserved so much better from the both of them. At least Mickey would be able to get on with his life now that he was no longer on the same world as Rose. Hopefully, he'd find someone who would truly appreciate all he had to offer.

No, he didn't want to be Rose's new Mickey, although he could easily see himself falling into that role while hoping and waiting for her to get over the other Doctor. If he didn't want to turn into Mickey and Rose wouldn't accept him as a proper love interest, then there was the third timeline to look forward to. He would leave. He would walk away and never look back. He could see himself hitching rides throughout the world, living by his wits, occasionally making new friends -- hopefully without making new enemies -- and helping others whenever he could. For the most part, it would be a lonely existence, pretty much like his old life except he wouldn't have a spaceship and he wouldn't have Rose. "Oh, don’t like the sound of that." Those last two timelines were unacceptable. The long saga of "The Doctor and Rose Tyler" deserved a fairytale ending, and somehow, someway, he was determined to make it happen.